today, august 5th

august 5th

loneliness is a a feeling that creeps up on you. it comes unseen and unheard, slowly curls a hand around your shoulder and let's you get used to the feeling of it's heavy presence. it whispers things, horrible things, softly in your ear and it says them so kindly you willingly listen and accept it's words. it tells you that you're alone for a reason, that everyone is better off without you and you, worn down by it's constant whispers, believe it. you believe it so wholeheartedly that any offer of relief from it's grip is shrugged off, because you don't think you can shake it. but you can. you just need to try. 

that's why i need to learn to do. try. like today. loneliness  has had it's cold, hard grip on me recently and i wasn't doing anything to get rid of it. i was letting myself wither in it's presence. i suggested to my best friend that maybe we should get together, thinking this would help me, and even though she accepted my suggestion i was tempted to wiggle out of it. even after she enthusiastically started making plans i thought i should maybe stay home, just me and my loneliness, because why would she want to be with me? it's not going to fix this nothing's going to fix this i should just stay home. but then i decided to try.

it's not always talking that makes being with someone worthwhile. i've not always been the most keen on talking. i say thing when necessary, i hate small talk. if i've known you for years i'll be able to talk your ear off, yes, but only using words to convey things i feel the need to say. but sometimes words don't need to be said. sometimes, just driving on the highway with the windows rolled down and the radio turned up and looking at the bluest blue sky and just knowing that there's someone next to you who really cares, that you're with someone who really matters to you, is just enough. you don't need useless syllables polluting the air, trying to prove something. sometimes just knowing that they're there is just enough.

today i laughed til there was tears in my eyes, danced in my friends living room, made playlists with her sister, had the cutest chai tea latte in the cutest mug. if i had listened to loneliness i would have sat at my house, watching tv, feeling miserable. i wouldn't have done these simple, great things with simply great people. next time loneliness puts it's hand on my shoulder and tries to whisper to me, i'll tell it i don't have time. there are things to do, people to meet, experiences to experience and i just don't have time to feel lonely. and even if not doing is easier than doing when loneliness is around, when trying just seems like a waste of time, like it won't work, i'll try anyway.